*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
his wife is probably gonna see that
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register