By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
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Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched