If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
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[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*