You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything