wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
🤣
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*