respect
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!