Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
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Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
“Why you watching this shit?”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician