“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
accurate
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens