I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
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Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Fight
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
All generalizations are stupid.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend