Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
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Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor