I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
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Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Actually cracking up @ this
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
If only.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
*limbos under the caution tape
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”