The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
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Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Sorry. Not sorry
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby