[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Feels like the fourth month in January
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine