Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
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I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.