Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane