Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Well, this is awkward
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Am I having a stroke?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.