me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.