If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.