Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Why are bridges so flammable.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life