when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
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OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.