A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
You Might Also Like
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I hate everything
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.