WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
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Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
That’s incredible! 👌
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor