confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.