It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I’d … I’d rather not.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Venn
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”