yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.