Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Herpes is trending, good job people