Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
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Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
My hips? Compulsive liars.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.