Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
You Might Also Like
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*