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Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train