Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.