no!! no!!!!!!
You Might Also Like
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.