She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
c’mon!
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.