My patience has stretch marks.
You Might Also Like
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it