Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
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just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION