me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.