All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
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“No way.” -Jose
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Something Saturday.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
my sentiments exactly
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I wish I were this cool 😂
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.