Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
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I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.