so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
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Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.