remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
You Might Also Like
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Me when my alarm goes off
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
you stereotypes are all alike
crochet youtube is brutal
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.