Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on