[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
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*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.