Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”