I can’t deal with men any longer
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FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Eat…
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Stop being racist to kettles.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.