The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.