Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
meanwhile over on facebook
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost