I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Barbie gone wild
Would you wear it?
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work