The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.