$4 #usedbooks
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It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
me hooking up with my ex
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.