In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.