Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
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My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”